What happens when we share what we desire? What happens when a symbol of exclusivity becomes a symbol of inclusivity? (Jarvis, 2008, p. 17). The owners of the necklace began to meet once a month to negotiate the transactions. Eventually, these meetings became dinners and a strong group bond formed, a community. The group came up with humorous ideas, like competitions for the most outrageous outing for the necklace, which they named “Jewelia”. One woman wore Jewelia skydiving, another on a motorcycle trip, another while having sex with her husband, butt-naked except for the necklace and another on a trip to the gynecologist (who eventually joined the group as well)! The friendships between the women became more intimate. There were some conflicts, but the group contained them and worked them through. No one left the inner circle, in fact, the circle expanded. As the women’s group became safer and more cohesive, the group began to share the necklace more freely with others. At first, daughters of group members were permitted to wear Jewelia in their weddings. The next evolution was that the group auctioned the necklace off as a prize to be worn for a day to the winner, the proceeds to benefit various organizations and charities. The group took Jewelia to nursing homes and public events where people were allowed to wear the necklace free of charge.
The necklace became a symbol of inclusiveness rather than exclusiveness. What struck me in this story was that Jewelia became less important to the women than the deepening bonds of their friendships; the more closely they connected, the less the material value of the necklace mattered. Instead, the women experienced its true value as being the ways in which the necklace could benefit others, and that the sharing of it had facilitated their rich friendships. Stated one of the thirteen, “As a group, we’re so much more powerful than we are as individuals.” (Jarvis, 2008, p. 207.) Stated another “Sharing really is the way to happiness.” (Jarvis, 2008, p. 206.) Said a third, “My life was family and work for a very long time. And everything revolved around work. I knew it wasn’t the most important thing, but I acted as if it were. Work became a habit, and it was enough…with these women I can let all of that go. The day I know I’m going to a Jewelia meeting that night, the work goes faster, easier. I move with a lighter step. Now I’m always asking, ‘When is the next meeting?’ I had so much fun the night I hosted the group. That was the first time I’d entertained in years, and the first time in my life I wasn’t nervous about having guests. I didn’t want the women to leave. Sharing myself and my house with them made me feel peaceful, made me feel complete. Going to the meetings was the beginning of my saying ‘Yes.’ ‘Yes’ to showing up. ‘Yes’ to reaching out.” (Jarvis, 2008, pp. 54-55.)
As Jean Baker Miller writes in her acclaimed and revolutionary book “Toward a New Psychology of Women” (1986):
“Male society, by depriving women of the right to its major ‘bounty’—that is, development according to the male model—overlooks the fact that women’s development is proceeding, but on another basis. One central feature is that women stay with, build on, and develop in a context of connections with others. Indeed, women’s sense of self becomes very much organized around being able to make and then to maintain affiliations and relationships, Eventually, for many women the threat of disruption of connection is perceived not as just a loss of a relationship but as something close to a total loss of self.” (Miller, 1986, p. 83)
Women have a very different approach to living and functioning than the traditional western male approach. In it, “affiliation is valued as highly as, or more highly than, self-enhancement. Moreover, it allows for the emergence of the truth: that for everyone—men as well as women—individual development proceeds only by means of connection.” (Miller, 1986, p. 83)
