For some women, this may mean a connection to a partner, particularly a male partner; that any accomplishment would not be worthwhile unless there was a man to make it so. That was certainly true for my own mother. Although she rose to the top of her profession and was the first female United States Magistrate in the State of California, she felt her life was empty until she secured the love of my step-father, at age 65. I, too, would feel emptiness without my husband or son, but equally true for me is that without close friendships or community, including my siblings, my life would feel meaningless.
Continues Miller: “Our only hope, both women and men, really lies in us placing our faith in others”, “in the context of being a social being, related to other human beings, in their hands as well as one’s own. Women learn very young they must rest primarily on this faith…Men’s only hope lies in affiliation, too, but for them it can seem an impediment, a loss, a danger, or at least second best. By contrast, affiliations, relationships, make women feel deeply satisfied, fulfilled, ‘successful’, free to go on to other things.” (Miller, 1986, p. 85.)
In his expose “Friendship”, Joseph Epstein writes that “although the experiences were fleeting, being part of a community was enormously satisfying. The feeling is one of belonging. You look at the others seated around the fire and feel with equal confidence that you would do almost anything for these people, as they would do almost anything for you. As a member of a community, you feel you have lost yourself, however temporarily, in something larger, of which you are nonetheless an important part. To be part of a true community is to experience collective friendship, with the associated feelings of mutuality and reciprocity that are normally available only between two people. It’s a grand, grand feeling, and all the grander for its rarity.” (Epstein, 2006, pp. 164-165.)
Miller notes “Whereas men, too, have deep yearnings for affiliation, their needs are deep under the surface of social appearance…As soon as they grow up in the male mold, they are led to cast out this faith, even to condemn it in themselves, and build their lives on something else. And they are rewarded for doing so.” (Miller, 1986, p. 87.) She continues, “Practically everyone now bemoans Western man’s sense of alienation, lack of community and inability to find ways of organizing society for human ends. We have reached the end of the road that is built on the set of traits held out for male identity— advance at any cost, pay the price, drive out all competitors and kill them if necessary…It now seems. clear we have arrived at a point from which we must seek a basis of faith in connection—and not only faith, but recognition that it is a requirement for the existence of human beings. The basis for what seem the absolutely essential next steps in Western history, if we care to survive, is already available.” (Miller, 1986, p. 88)
Miller first wrote these words in 1976, forty-three years ago, but her ideas are still relevant. I believe there have been great changes in our ability to connect with others in the world. Although the technologies are imperfect, I have had many positive, connecting experiences talking to friends and colleagues overseas and in different parts of the country on Skype and Zoom. These tools for communication were not available in 1976. I text and e-mail others constantly, which keeps me rapidly “in touch” with others. However, all our advanced technology comes with a high price. Communication occurs rapidly and our work lives have sped up. We have a highly inflated cost of living, longer work hours and less free time to cultivate relationships. Often, texting and e-mailing replace phone calls, where one can hear a human voice, as well as face-to-face, in person, three-dimensional contact with an actual live human being. And although these new technologies can be useful tools, they cannot replace authentic human contact and connection, nor were they intended to. In her book “You’re the Only One I can Tell”, psychologist Deborah Tannen gives multiple examples of ways women use Facebook to maintain connections, but not to share deep intimacies—those are shared in an actual conversation. Each technology has its own etiquette. (Tannen, 2017, pp. 188-189.) If I write a letter and text it to my son, he quickly lets me know I have used the technology inappropriately; that I am only to text short blurbs. If I want to say more I should e-mail, write a letter and mail it by way of snail-mail, or make a phone call! Maybe one day I will have assimilated all these new rules! Texting seemed like a quick way to send a letter, but alas, I committed a technological faux-pas!
