In many more traditional societies, the grandparents, parents and children live together, in a family “compound” or in the same neighborhood. In contemporary times, the grandparent in these societies often do much of the childcare (and even other domestic chores)—while the parents are in putting in a full day of work (and are often doing work at home during the evening). This culture of extended care usually is accompanied in these traditional societies by a complimentary culture of community support. Even if grandparents are not available, it is not unusual for neighbors to help out and for other members of the community (even if not living next door) to serve as surrogate grandparents. SOULink (Wright, 2015) is filled with stories that exemplify this broader, multi-generational support that is embedded in many traditional communities.
We return to Cat in the Cradle, the song that Harry Chapin wrote to portray something about this conflict in priorities—and about the habits that are formed pass on to the next generation. The harried father doesn’t have time to spend with his son—who in turn doesn’t have time later in his own life to spend time with his now-elderly father. Chapin focused on the father and son. The father and daughter – and husband and wife—were left out of the song. We would suggest that the grandparents were also left out. Did the ignored son turn to his grandfather for attention and some shared activities?
We might also ask if the now-elderly father had a grandchild to engage with when his own grown-up son had little time for the father/son engagement. Perhaps a new version of Cat in the Cradle can be composed with the more optimistic outlook of inter-generational relationships. To borrow from another song, a bridge across the “troubled waters” of sandwich generation parenting might be built by the grandparents—or by other older men and women who lend a hand to these harried parents.
Lingering Competition of Priorities
There is one other important point to be made. It seems that the challenge of parenting in the midst of other priorities doesn’t end when the child grows up and leaves home. While the parent might no longer be faced with the obligation of caring for their own parents (who would have passed away), their job-related demands are still there as are financial obligations—and their grown children still need (and deserved) their attention.
We wonder what happened when the kids returned home from Western Washington University and told their parents about the remarkable interactions with the senior learners? Did the parents have time to listen to their learning-filled children or as Chapin portrayed in Cat in the Cradle, did they say “can’t listen now, but we will find a time soon to talk.” This deferred conversation might never take place. Perhaps, the parent would see this as an opportunity for increasing the interactions between their own parents and their children? Were grandparents brought in to lend a hand?
One of us {Wright, 2016, p. 2] has written about this continuing challenge and about how grandparents can still play an important inter-generational role:
Parents of young adults are usually still engaged in their professional pursuits, and lack the time and even patience to deal with all the emotional needs of children who are “supposed to be on their own by now.” But grandparents are beyond that, and we all know that being needed is a vital and critical human need. By the time retirement has come, and professional challenges are over, retirees often feel unneeded, or that what they have achieved means little without someone to share it with. Adult grandchildren often don’t understand what they need, or where to get what they need.
