This led to an exploration of what makes me happy. What hopes do I have that relate to finding happiness in my life –rather than just avoiding pain or failure. Dr. Freud offered another one of his distinctions. When asked about happiness in their own life, some of his clients situate happiness outside themselves. They talk about being happy is they have enough money, if they can purchase that cottage by the lake, or if their child will finally leave home and get a good-paying job!! For these clients, happiness is an external factor. These clients have what Dr. Freud calls an “external locus of control.” While this is kind of a fancy psychological term, I do understand what he is talking about. I know that I sometimes assume that happiness is something that is given to me.
It is a gift from God or from my wife!! Dr. Freud and I both kind of chuckle about the source of happiness residing in the hands of my wife. I use this moment of mutual appreciation of the role played by my wife in my life, to talk a bit about how she has been quite supportive of my full-time commitment to work—especially when I have been able to be creative and when I am working for a client who is doing something good in the world. She will have a full meal waiting for me when I come home late from work. Or she will even hold off eating this meal herself until I get home. On weekends, she will accept my return to the office and will even go with me, bringing along a novel which she will read, seated in the reception room. I also mention that she is supportive in a somewhat different way when things aren’t going well. She is there to hold my hand, provide me with a glass of our favorite wine, and cook me a special meal.
After this journey into my domestic life, Dr. Freud brings up an alternative perspective, that he labels an “internal locus of control.” This seems to be his favorite perspective. It seems that some of Dr. Freud’s client believe that happiness is an internal affair. They choose to feel happy or to feel unhappy in a way that is independent of external circumstances. He mentioned a line from an old American opera called Porgy and Bess. Porgy sings that he’s got “plenty of nothin’, and nothin’ is plenty for me.” It seems that happiness is within our control. We choose to be happy. This doesn’t mean that we avoid the challenges that would take away our happiness; but it does mean that we take responsibility for our happiness and have no one or no institution – or no God—to blame for our unhappiness.
I am both inspired and a bit bothered by what Dr. Freud has to say. I realize that I have often leaned on an external perspective and done a whole lot of blaming of other people –including my wife. Both Dr. Freud and I are silent for a while as some important insights set in for me. The session comes to a close. This coaching work has become very important for me.
