I identify six major points.
- I don’t want to remain where I am right now. I feel (a) stuck, (b) anxious, (c) frustrated, (d) angry (mostly at myself) and (e) I regret that I have let things go to this stage.
- I am grateful that my wife nudged me to seek help—and that I have “hung in” with you even though it has often been quite stressful.
- I will take better care of my health during this period of time when I am going through a major transition—navigating the sea. Knowing that my life will continue to be stressful, I will set aside time for exercise, assist my wife in preparing healthy foods, and regularly get a good night of sleep. I will do a better job listening to my Gutt.
- I realize that this must be a joint decision with my wife: (a) any decision I make or she makes impacts both of us individually and us as a couple, (b) my wife and I must both avoid ending up with regrets and accompanying anger. My wife and I have both decided that we should set up an appointment with a couple’s therapist who can help us make these difficult decisions.
- I do like the idea of a “pilot test” where I volunteer to do some work with an arts organization or community theater company. My wife agrees that this is a good idea. I am going to start checking out some options.
- If I do stay in my current job, then I am going to negotiate some major changes. I might meet with a performance/organizational coach to prepare for these negotiations. Do you have any recommendations?
Dr. Freud looks pleased with the work I have done since our seventh session. He indicates that he is particularly pleased that I am seeking some additional, diverse professional support. These are likely to be difficult times navigating this stormy sea and it is indeed best not to go it alone—and to set sail with my wife on board!
After a brief pause, Dr. Freud makes a specific recommendation. He suggests that my wife and I prepare what he calls a Charter. This collaboratively prepared document would list a set of goals and values that the two of us share. We would identify actions steps to be taken in preparing for the new phase in our careers and in our marriage. In this charter there would also be ways in which we can monitor our progress toward this set of goals and the alignment of our work together with the values we have identified. Most importantly, the charter would include our commitment to learn from our failures as well as our successes (perhaps with the assistance of a couple’s therapist or coach). We would engage in this shared learning so that we could continue to revise this chapter and establish new commitments as a sign of our growth individually and as a couple.
I let Dr. Freud know that my wife and I have already begun to work on this chapter without knowing that this is what we are doing. We were looking at our bookshelf and determining what values we were displaying on these shelves. We also spent a few minutes noticing what we had removed from our big shelf over the last couple of years. And we even talked a bit about the disputes we have had in recent years regarding what do and does not get placed on this shelf—as well as a second shelf filled with memorabilia and favorite books that is located in our bedroom. This got the two of us talking about what values we wish to share with other people, and which are shared just with one another. I thanked Dr. Freud for his bookshelf. He gently chuckled.
