Katherine begins:
“First, it seems that I should consider staying in my current job, but setting clear boundaries regarding what I should be doing during the workday and what other people should be doing, so that I don’t have to bring this work with me when I go home. Is this my idea or your idea.”
Sonya:
“I think this is mostly your idea. However, it ultimately is not important where the idea comes from. It is much more important to know if it makes sense for you. I know I have offered you a few of my suggestions; however, I am not remotely an expert on your life. I only know what you share with me over a very short period of time and in the very artificial setting of a coaching office.
. . . So, tell me more about why you think this idea lingers with you.”
Katherine:
“I guess I should have known that the matter of ownership is not that important. The validity of a specific idea in my current life or in the life that I envision—that is very important. Boundary setting has lingered with me, because I know I can do this, but find it hard to become more of the “tough broad” in my college. People I work with don’t expect me to say “No.” So they are surprised when I decline to take on a new task.”
Sonya:
“Can you identify a recent time when you did say “No” and the outcomes were quite positive. I would greatly appreciate your reflections on one of these successful moments. And I would encourage you to include the feelings you had during this moment. Can you do so?”
Katherine:
“Let me try. . . . There was a time last week when one of my friends at work asked me to review the draft of a written proposal she had prepared. She indicated that she needed to prepare a final version of this proposal by the end of day tomorrow: “Could you review it this evening? I know this is last-minute and that I have been putting off preparing this proposal until just before the deadline. It would be absolutely great if you could look it over and suggest improvements. You are so talented at preparing proposals and have been successful in getting many of them accepted.”
Sonya:
“So, how were you feeling at this point?”
Katherine:
“There was a big mix of feelings. At one level, I felt angry. My friend had procrastinated and now I was to ruin my evening at home so that her failure would be covered over. This is not the first time that she has come to me, asking for last-minute assistance with a proposal. At another level, I felt honored that she had turned to me. I am always vulnerable to praise. And she had effectively praised my ability to deliver compelling proposals at our college. There was a third feeling that was not very clear for me. This was a feeling of sorrow. I got very sad thinking of what would probably happen if I said “No.” I know my friend would be disappointed and that she probably would be turning in a proposal that was unsuccessful. At some level, I was sad for her because I think she was in the wrong job. Her skills and knowledge resided elsewhere. I think her procrastination is based on her recognition that she needs to be somewhere else. But how do I tell her this? And what do I do about the assistance she has requested?”
