Where is the urgency coming from? Where is the anger and disappointment?
Conflicts are remembered in history for their devastation. In my memory, the conflicts that occur are resolved or are left alone, peacefully resting unresolved and in experience beyond access. Why would the fall of Troy be different than my last unsuccessful relationship, or last project unsatisfied? I would say nothing, except for details and circumstance. The endings are the same in that such conflicts began and end with specific intent. Where in the narrative that drives your thinking during conflict are there urges, drives, or a sense of urgency? These can of course be valuable guides for oneself, but how valuable are they really in a conflict? To me, they are only valuable to signify my implicit intent taking over the flow of conflict.
When you know what is needed and what is possible, urgency is not effective. When you know you are accurate in a debate, urgency is rarely poignant or effective. So where is the urgency coming from? If you can answer that question, you might be able to avoid urgency altogether. There is no way to do this unless the guiding intent and goal is to work well together, even in a conflict. Without that, the alternative is anything else.
Do you experience anger during conflict, or persistent disappointment afterwards? I am sorry to say that is your fault, not because of the conflict. The occurring experience is the final barometer but understanding there is high pressure doesn’t mean you won’t get wet from the rain.
Do you hold learning as the highest priority, or being right? The experience of anger and disappointment that stems from the intent of being right, usually occurs not when others are wrong but once you realize you are. Learning the truth is an ideal, not learning a lie. It’s a tough pill when conflicts are commonly known to have winners and losers. Unless the goal is learning, everyone loses in a conflict.
