We fail to be honest even within the third quadrant. Books have been written about the “intimate enemy” to whom we are married or with whom we have established a long-term intimate relationship (Ruben, xxx). Perhaps a book needed to be written about the even more intimate enemy—this being ourselves. There clearly are parts of ourselves that we don’t fully appreciate, and other people may see better than we do. Furthermore, we are likely to project what we don’t like in ourselves onto other people. We view the other person as being envious of us (rather than we being envious of them), or as escaping from their responsibility (ignoring the fact that we are the one who is running away).
Most importantly, we are inclined to project our anger onto other people when we are anxious. We view them as always being angry with us, when, in fact, we are the ones expressing our anger toward them. We declare that we should not be the target of this other person’s anger and reinforce this declaration by maintaining our anger toward this other person and by always targeting them with our anger. This projection not only blocks our ability to be honest with ourselves (quad three); it also distorts our own view of the other person (our quad two related to them).
There is a related question: how much can we really see ourselves? We like to think that we are insightful about ourselves; however, other people (quad two) may see things about us that we have a much harder time sitting with or even recognizing. The same might be true of a relationship. How much can we really see about the way our relationship with other people is operating. Our view of self within this relationship resides in quadrant three and is often quite distorted, in part because our emotional connection (our binding) with this person distorts our perception of the relationship.
Quad Four Honesty
Finally, there is the matter of the fourth quad in the Johari Window. As Joe Luft mentions, there is “universal curiosity” about this “unknown” area (principle eight). Novels are written about that which escapes our awareness. Songs about “the music of the night” (Les Miserable) touch our “soul” and we repeatedly play versions of these songs. Yet we also run away from reducing the size of this quad, by listening to the feedback delivered by other people (quad two). We also run away from our own “honest” appraisal of our personal biases, fears, aspirations and beliefs. We form a “bubble of belief” (Weitz and Bergquist, 2024) that is often reinforced by our affiliation with other “true believers” (Hoffer, 1951). Our trips to the psychotherapy office are cut short because of the painful discoveries that await us. This is another of the important, and unique, contributions to be made by Luft and Ingham. Their Johari Window points to the challenge of being honest not only with other people (quad one) but also being honest with ourselves (quad four).
There is also the matter of interpersonal context that Luft identifies in his final three principles. We must not only avoid forceful exposure of quad two material but must also respect (“appreciate”) the desire of other people to remain private about some of their thoughts and feelings, especially as these relate to ourselves or other members of a group (principle nine). It is often in the overall building of trust among members of a group that we find the emergence of honesty on the part of the group’s members (principle ten). It is often the least honest of the group members who set the overall standard (norm) for disclosure and feedback in the group. And it is often in the gradual increase in level of trust and honesty in a group that we find the often-miraculous emergence from quad four of profound insights, deep learning and creativity (principle eleven).
