Honesty in Psychotherapy
Honesty in all four panes is prerequisite to binding relationships in all sectors of society. However, it is particularly important in the sector of emotional healing. Both the psychotherapist and client must display honesty in the therapeutic relationship regarding their disclosure (quads one and four), their feedback (quads one and two), and (in depth-based psychotherapy) their exploration of that which is hidden from both of them. When dishonesty is prevalent then successful psychotherapy is challenged.
One of us [SBN] offers a candid example of the dishonesty that was prevalent in one of her most challenging cases. While working with Sally (who is featured later in this book), Suzanne also was treating Sally’s partner (we will call him Sam). This is where the trouble began.
“I was treating [Sally’s] partner, Sam. He said he was going to quit being treated if I didn’t see her. That’s how desperately he wanted me to see her. And I felt like this isn’t normally a good idea. And now, in retrospect, I think there are some insane parts of my decision. Because, first, you’re not even supposed to be treating two people who are closely related. Furthermore, he’s seven years sober, while his girlfriend’s active. He shouldn’t even be in a relationship with her. In the A.A. program, they call that 13th stepping. He shouldn’t even be dating someone who’s not sober.”
We see the first indication of dishonesty showing up in Sam’s psychic window. It was taking place in his third quadrant. He was not being honest with himself about the risk he was taking in establishing an intimate relationship with someone who was still struggling with her addiction:
“Sam should know better than that. It’s dangerous for his sobriety. And nobody who’s struggling with sobriety is in any place to be able to be in a relationship and be fully present in a relationship with someone who is active. Not only that, the ups and downs of a relationship can precipitate someone relapsing.”
At this point we find that Suzanne herself was not being totally honest with Sam. In retrospect, Suzanne realized that should have moved her concerns about Sam’s relationship with Sally from her second quadrant to her first, public quadrant:
“I should have been saying to him, “I’ll see her, but I really think you two need to take a break from this relationship.” This up, but it was totally dismissed by him. That’s not going to happen. I only have so much power over what people do. But I could have said, ‘I think it’s probably not a good idea for me to be treating your girlfriend.’”
But things got much worse when Sam was found to often be dishonest in his relationship with Suzanne. There were many features of his own life that he was not moving from quad three to quad one:
“There were some things in Sam’s relationship with Sally that I didn’t see, as well as other aspects of his life that he held back from me. First, he was lying to me about a lot of things. He was distancing himself emotionally from his relationship with Sally but never let me know of this shift. Second, Sam had a big secret. I had helped him get the right to visit his kid. He had no visitation privilege with his child. Later I found out from Sally that he had sexually molested two of his sisters. He never told me or shared anything about it, I would have been much more concerned about visitations with his daughter, even though I honestly don’t think he was sexually abusing his daughter.”
