In one sense, the couples we were interviewed were often talking about the domain of sexuality, yet it often was expressed in terms of very special moments in their life together: a beautiful sunset, a heart-rendering piece of music, a nostalgic dance, a moment of touching while sitting in front of a fire, a poem that one of them wrote to the other, even the gentle moment of compassion when one of the partners holds the other in their arms while grieving the death of a parent. These are all moments of sexuality, as it is (and should be) more broadly conceived. Moore (1993, p. 164) speaks eloquently to this issue:
A person can live erotically every minute of the day by valuing deep pleasures, beauty, body, adornment, decoration, texture and color – all things we too often consider secondary or even frivolous. . . . try to imagine a world without . . . the lure of travel and exploration, without the beguiling beauty that entices us to look at photographs of enchanting places, without a desire for a rich experience of this life.
At a later point, Moore (1994, p. 183) notes that:
As long as we think of sex in a limited way, as a biological function or even as only a means of communication or intimacy, we will be mystified by its unexpected turns. It would be better to recognize from the beginning that sex is a profound, far-reaching aspect of the soul, bringing together body, emotion, and imagination in an intensive experience that can touch every branch of feeling and meaning, yet one we may never fully understand. It is by nature mysterious.
This broader definition of sexuality is crucial in understanding the rather surprising extent to which we found that sexual intercourse, per se, was rarely identified by the people we interviewed as a critical point in the history of their relationship. We found that the first moment of intimacy rarely defined the initial formation of the couple (what we have identified as the “marker event” and which we discuss in the next essay) nor were ceremonies that grant permission for intimacy (such as the marriage ceremony) usually defined by contemporary couples as the moment when they first defined themselves as a couple. Sexuality more broadly defined, however, often did play a critical role. A shared experience of a beautiful sunset, in other words, may have been just as memorable and just as defining a moment in the couple’s early history as the first time they made love.
