Sex is Complicated!
Couples like Aaron and Becky talk about how sexuality often seems to take second place to other domains of their life together. As with many other couples, Aaron and. Becky first noted that in having children, they found less time to be together in private so that they might make love. Even more basically, their first child “took the focus off of us,” according to Aaron: “we took our love from each other and showered it on Deborah.” He did go on to note that they are out of this phase now, and “even did it [sex] yesterday.” They both laughed. “Once every two months, whether we need it or not,” Becky added. Yet, Aaron also identifies their financial problems as very distracting and a barrier to their sex life: “we’re so busy and preoccupied that sex is about the last thing on our minds.” Aaron and Becky seem to differ from many other couples we interviewed or know personally only in the candor with which they talked about the problems of fitting their “sex life” into all of the other demanding and conflict-filled aspects of their life together.
Sexuality is also a complicating factor in most relationships because it means so much more that just intercourse and sexual gratification. Even Ben, who initially declared that sex is what keeps him and Tina together, went on indicate that sexuality for him means much more than just intercourse or ejaculation. For him, it is the one way in which he believes that he can meet Tina’s (and we suspect his own) needs for intimacy:
. . . we both enjoy [sex] and are very attracted to one another. It’s the physical part of our relationship and all that goes with it. I guess, it is where I let down, become vulnerable, available, intimate, nurturing . .. you know all the things Tina craves, and gives in other ways as well as sexually, that I just give sexually.
Tina agrees with Ben’s observations (in part):
You know it’s true. It is a place that I know Ben loves me. He is giving, kind, sensitive, unhurried, truly loving, so it is very important to me as well, though, unlike Ben, I don’t think it is the most important thing in our relationship or the singular thing that keeps us together. What I think keeps us together is that I understand what Ben’s experience of things are, and what that means to him, and I think to a somewhat lesser degree, but enough to satisfy me, Ben understands my experience of things and what they mean to me.
