Alice stopped and then quietly added, as though to justify the statement: “when he asked me to marry him [Alice turns to Bryan] he said, ‘let’s get married and have kids.’ I knew that was exactly what I wanted, that he was the one.” Looking at her, Bryan added: “I was really attracted to her sexually, and it was such a high going off with her every day. I knew that if I persisted one day she would have to agree with me. . . . I thought about her all the time.”
As in the case of many couples, the basic patterns in Alice and Bryan’s relationship are already firmly established during the first moments of their relationship. Furthermore, the story they have repeatedly told about these founding experiences further reinforces these patterns. For Alice, it is clear that sexuality is both alluring (a combination of “lust” and procreation) and repulsive (with Bryan being physically “pushy”). By contrast, Bryan views sexuality as the central ingredient of their relationship, yet also (at least for Alice’s sake) values sexuality for its procreative potential.
Even after fourteen years of being a couple and twelve years of marriage, Alice feels ambivalent about her continuing role as the pursued partner. She was indecisive in the beginning and is currently concerned about her boundaries within their relationship. Alice feels that sexuality has a reproductive purpose and justifies her “surrender” in terms of procreation. However, it is also clear that Alice retains power in her relationship with Bryan through giving or withholding sexual intimacy (often for several weeks at a time).
Typically, according to Alice, after withholding sexual intercourse for several weeks, she will decide that Bryan “needs it” and will then sexually pursue her husband. “This is when sex is best,” Alice claims. Bryan agrees that these are some of their most erotic and satisfying moments together. Thus, when Bryan becomes the pursued, Alice feels best about their relationship and about sexuality. Afterwards, they slip back into the old roles of Alice as pursued, Bryan as pursuer, and the cycle starts all over again, replicating their initial extended “meeting.” As in many other parts of their lives together (for example, defining the nature and extent of their relationship with parents), Alice “manages” the situation and establishes boundaries. Bryan appears to be content in his dependency on Alice, given that he tends not to manage boundaries very effectively. Bryan consistently tries to get closer to Alice, while Alice moves in and out of her intimate relationship with Bryan, thereby keeping control of the relationship, reducing her own anxiety about intimate, long-term commitment, and preserving her own independence.
