This cycle of intimacy and distance has recently been disrupted as the children that both Alice and Bryan wanted have become a reality. With the birth of two children, Alice no longer believes that sexuality is needed for procreation, though she still believes that Bryan “needs it.” She also realizes that her children have “needs” that she must meet. Consequently, Bryan sometimes feels abandoned by Alice. Alice, in turn, feels that she is overwhelmed with demands from both her children and husband, being the one who “everyone turns to for everything.” She took a job several years ago, but the demands of her family “pulled her back.” Alice decided then that when her youngest child was ten she would reclaim her “identity in the world.” Alice feels like she is wasted at home, yet feels guilty about taking time for herself, feels that any extra time should go to her family, and has come to realize that she is repeating many of the same mistakes that her mother made.
Characteristically, Bryan has offered to quit his job or move or do “anything” so that she will be happier, but nothing has come of these offers. Alice does consider their sexual relationships to have improved in recent months: “now the children know not to open the door and now they sleep through the night.” However, she also notes that “sometimes Bryan and I just fall asleep in the middle [of making love.]” Bryan wishes Alice would stay home more often, but he also likes her need for independence. Thus, the cycle continues, moving well beyond the confines of their bedroom, yet repeatedly moving back to the basic issue of sexuality, intimacy, and mutual commitment.
In reality, affection, shared interests and the capacity to honor and build on differences are at the heart of good relationships. Snuggling and other forms of physical affection and closeness may be just as important over the years as intercourse. The defining moments for a relationship are rarely based in sexuality, though often these defining moments are celebrated or most fully enjoyed through a rekindling of passion, sensuality and sexuality. Thus, to better understand the role played by sexuality in many enduring relationships, it is essential to appreciate the nature, variety and dynamics of the marker events that help a couple to define and redefine their relationship.
