This unsuccessful process of resolving conflicts is a typical ingredient in most remarriages. For Meryl and David these unresolved conflicts culminated in a remarriage four years ago. Meryl reached a point where she concluded that she couldn’t change David, so she had to determine if she was going to stay in the relationship. Like many couples, the break began in the bedroom. Meryl began sleeping on the couch, while David retreated to the bedroom and would have no contact with Meryl. Eventually, after six nights, David came out of the bedroom and began talking to Meryl. First, he asked if she wanted a divorce and eventually began to talk with her about their interaction and the lack of communication which brought them to this impasse. Both of them indicated that this was a major breakthrough in their ability to communicate. They both acknowledged that they were in trouble as a couple — a key ingredient in any successful remarriage – and that they both needed to change their behavior if the relationship was to survive — a second key ingredient.
Alice and Fred identify a period of time in their marriage that they label the “crying baby” episode as an example of their own remarriage. Alice describes this incident:
My second baby, all she did was cry. I would breast feed her and she would cry. We later found out she had severe colic. We were doing a major remodel of the whole house at this time. As you can see we’re still remodeling. It’s been three years of it. But at that time, we had bare walls. I’d be up walking the baby all night and remodeling took place all day. The stress level became extreme. Plus, Fred couldn’t get much sleep but still had to go to work each day. I became very abusive, both verbally and physically, especially toward the oldest daughter, Suzanne, who was four at the time. And then the hormones kicked in from Post Menstrual Syndrome. The thing that saved it is Fred never went into a fight or power struggle.
As is often the case with remarriages the primary problem confronted by Alice and Fred, that is the crying baby, was exacerbated by the impact of other stressors that are either independent of or related to the primary stressor, such as the remodeling of the house, concerns about the potential impact of loss of sleep on Fred’s job performances, and Alice’s abusive behavior. Typically, the crisis in a relationship which brings about a remarriage is not caused by one, isolated stressor, but rather by the simultaneous impact or close interrelationship between a variety of different stressors that impact on the different domains of a couple’s life.
