Even more importantly, it is not so much the individual event, or even a series of events, that defines the critical stages of a relationship, but rather the interpretation that is placed on their events — or more accurately the stories that are told about these events. In the case of Alice and Fred, the period of tending the crying baby passed. As Alice noted, her daughter “then became a happy child.” But the long term ramifications of the event — the guilt and sadness that comes from how they treated each other during the incident — are still being carried by the parents. Alice stated it this way: “ever since (our baby was crying so much) we’ve related worse. The harmony was destroyed.”
Fred indicated that he responded to this multiple-crisis in his life with Alice by “walking away” when his life at home got too tense. Alice observed that she “got into a ‘box’ for four days until he would approach me and then we’d normalize.” Fred then cracks a joke: “The difference between PMS and a terrorist is you can negotiate with a terrorist.” Alice notes that “Fred is a well-grounded person and a stable anchor.” However, Alice went on to say that ever since this set of events (which happened two years ago):
the consideration for one another got damaged. . . . We are just now concentrating on ourselves again. I had to learn to let go. And stop pushing Fred to get done with the house. I put myself into a recovery program. A Twelve Step program . . . What is happening now is that Fred has had to learn to really hear me. And see value in what I have to say. I’m facing him with the whole truth. He has to accept that I’m changing and that’s hard for a spouse and threatening. He must be willing to let me change. He must be willing to grow with me.
The interviewer then asked both Alice and Fred why they are still together — what kept them together during this difficult remarriage process. Fred indicated that after their second child, Alice threatened him with divorce. Fred responded by telling her that “she didn’t know how much this marriage meant to me.” “And,” according to Alice, “I started to feel that way too.” She went on to conclude that “we both have a commitment, a dedication to the marriage itself, even during those times when we don’t have that much dedication to each other personally.”
