Thus, in the midst of their remarriage to one another, both Jim and Dora had to redefine their relationship with parents and siblings. They both increasingly detached themselves from their families of origin and in doing so began to claim ownership for their own individual identities, independent of their family histories. Dora refused to adopt the old family pattern of helplessness and resentment. Instead she went back to college and built on, rather than resented, Jim’s success. She also became more cognizant of imposing her own childhood fears onto Jim and now is creating a new relationship with Jim that is distinctive and nurturing:
Growing up, I always had a deep sense of aloneness. I thought that I would die alone. Yet, as close as Jim and I are, I don’t know about that any more. In any case, I don’t have that feeling of aloneness any more with Jim. . . . Us together is different from me alone.
It is this sense of connectedness that has kept Jim and Dora together throughout the difficult process of remarriage. Rather than looking elsewhere for a new relationship, they both determined that it is better to work out a current relationship, with all of its hardships. Dora puts it this way:
I am not looking to trade partners. I am not endlessly fascinated with other human beings. Why would I give up a deeply satisfying relationship for another face? I would rather spend my time with other things than to give up my center and go out looking for another human being. We are from the same light. I am convinced, after that first kiss. This is the best part. I have no desire for that alone feeling.
Jim and Dora represent one end of the continuum. Their remarriage was highly visible, for it was precipitated by very public events — the birth of a baby, Dora’s fractured pelvis, moving to a new community, fights with their families, fights with one another. Furthermore, the resolution of their conflicts was also public: Dora’s return to school, moving to a new community, spending substantially less time with their parents and siblings. If we had interviewed members of their family and friends they probably would have all agreed that Jim and Dora went through a major transition in their life together.
