Staying the Course
The most important common ingredient in successful remarriages appears to be a commitment to working within the relationship rather than outside it. It is very tempting to simply leave the relationship, and to either go it alone for a while or shift to another relationship and either have a secret (or not so secret) affair while continuing with one’s current relationship, or choose to separate from the current partner in order to begin building the new relationship.
Glenda and Roy had been married for five years when their relationship began to fall apart. The symptom’ are quite common in not only our interviews, but also many other books about couples, as well as novels, movies and television soap operas. Roy was no longer spending much of his free time with Glenda. Instead, he was opting out for his male friends. Glenda felt like she was being “taken for granted and unappreciated.” When she tried to get Roy to spend more evenings at home, he resented her interference and didn’t want Glenda “telling me what to do.” As a result, they began to drift apart, they fought “about everything, and could not get down to the real issues.”
At this point, Roy and Glenda were at a choice point. Do they attempt a remarrriage or shift their attention to other relationships? Glenda chose the latter course. She had an affair and, in essence, challenged Roy to catch and confront her. As in the case of many couples, Glenda and Roy tried to restore their marriage by having a child. This didn’t help. Childbirth only exacerbated the problems. Yet, indirectly, their child did draw them to a different choice point. They decided to work on their marriage. Roy admitted that he knew of Glenda’s affair and acknowledged his own role in bringing about this situation. Furthermore, he recognized that he was committed to his relationship with Glenda because he was not willing to “let someone else raise my child.”
So they got to work on their relationship. First of all, they became more open with one another regarding the influences of external factors on their marriage. For instance, since Roy was an only son, there had been extensive interference by his mother. Glenda began to openly discuss this issue for the first time with Roy and found that he was willing to confront his mother regarding her behavior. Both Roy and Glenda also sought individual help during this remarriage process and discovered how their past histories were influencing their current relationship. They broke up some of the games that they played with each other, and they began to make more decisions together.
