Most couples that seem to be successful in sustaining a supportive, yet growing relationship, have lived through and worked through these transformational periods by means of some type of remarriage to the same partner. For some couples, there is only one such period of transition and recommitment. For other couples, these occur rather frequently, but are usually still interspersed with intervals of relative tranquility. Among those couples who have not engaged in a recommitment, there is a strong tendency for stagnation to set in or for the couple to divorce, separate or live “alone together” in an unsatisfactory relationship.
We have concluded from our interviews that the concept of remarriage is critical in understanding the dynamics of contemporary intimate relationships that are enduring. Couples of the 21st Century are facing complex, unpredictable and turbulent times. Their relationship is unlikely to remain viable and vital for many years without one or more of these significant readjustments of their relationship.
One typical married couple spoke of periods of relative tranquility in their lives together and of periods of considerable stress and soul-searching. This couple — we will call them John and Evelyn — identified a ten year period in their life together when they shared many interests in common. John and Evelyn both enjoyed horseback riding and other outdoor activities. During this period of time, their children were very young and (by mutual agreement) primarily the responsibility of Evelyn. John and Evelyn both worked, but made relatively small amounts of money. They didn’t seem to need much money, however, for their mutual interests (and small children) kept them at home or pursuing inexpensive outdoor recreation.
By the end of this ten year period, things had changed dramatically. John seriously injured his foot and was unable to ride horses any more without considerable pain. Both Evelyn and John assumed new jobs with increased responsibility and salary. The children were moving into junior and senior high school, requiring the attention of both parents in new ways. The family moved several thousand miles to a new home, leaving behind their family roots and strong small town community ties. Within two years, John asked Evelyn for a trial separation.
