Now that they were married, according to Dave, “our attitude at the time was “well, if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just get a divorce,” so we didn’t really take it too seriously.” Sheila went on to note during the interview that “we didn’t date normally. We didn’t get married normally. We didn’t have a normal attitude about it — didn’t take it too seriously. In a sense, that’s what makes it work. We didn’t have big expectations from marriage — at least I didn’t.”
Dave agreed with Sheila that this lack of formal commitment to the relationship was probably the best strategy for him:
I’m just not that sort of person. [Formal recognition of our marriage] would have given it a lot more symbolism. I would have felt a lot more pressure if it was a big official thing. As it was, we just sloughed it off: what the hey. If it doesn’t work out we’ll just get a divorce. So there wasn’t much of a change in our lives. We’d already been living together.
It was clear for Dave and Sheila that this tentativeness was based, in part, on a lack of complete trust in one another. When asked point blank, “do you trust your spouse” they both indicated some uncertainty. Dave said: “Yeah, but not 100%.” Sheila spoke of “guardedly” trusting Dave and suggested that: “neither of us likes to lose control. We both have to maintain the sense we’re in control.” Their caution regarding basic trust in one another and regarding the need for control in their relationship is probably not uncommon among many young couples and probably is a revealing symptom of our times. The fear of commitment and permanency engendered by mistrust and the need for control is painfully obvious in many contemporary relationships.
Several years ago, Dave and Sheila attempted to have a child, which resulted in a miscarriage. Since that time, they have danced around the issue. As Dave puts it, their decision regarding having a child is likely to remain “unresolved until after menopause and then we’ll make a decision.” Once again, they are letting external factors “make” their decision for them. Yet, from their statement, it seems fairly clear that a conscious decision has been made not to have children.
