Recently, Rebecca had a dinner with someone that was not about business. Christine heard very little from Rebecca about the outcomes of this dinner. She had a dream that night about the dinner which sent the message that it was alright if Rebecca and her dinner partner necked, but if they had sex she’d kill both of them. Then, Christine half awoke from the dream and decided to re-dream the conclusion of the dream: even if they necked, she’d kill both of them! Thus, the commitment is reconfirmed in many ways—always with the hint of violence or at least some strong negative feelings about the outcomes of any betrayal of this commitment.
While commitment is at the heart of most marker events, we found that there weren’t many men or women who identified a formal event as the indication of commitment. Rather, like Christine and Rebecca, the commitment often is forged and expressed through some more informal and private event. For Curtis and Marilyn it was the purchase of an automobile together — their first joint financial venture. As Curtis stated, “we knew we’d made a five year financial, legal commitment and that did it!” Even Nancy, the partner to John (the man who shuffled through his paper while his wife spoke and identified their marriage ceremony as the marker event), identified a nontraditional, personal event as their marker. During John’s response, Nancy had remained silent. When the interviewer asked her about the point when they became a couple, Nancy remained silent for a short while. She finally indicated, “I don’t know. Do you mean ‘couple’ in the sense that thought alike? We still don’t think alike.” After some discussion, the question was clarified to mean when they felt bonded together. Then she readily answered the question:
I think there were two phases to it. One, when we started going steady, and that sort of flowed on into marriage. But the second phase, the real commitment, I’m ashamed to say, did not happen until we went into business together. That was after our last child was born. We were driving around, taking care of business together one day. I suddenly realized that he was my very best friend.
The difference that makes a difference among enduring couples can take many different forms and can be identified differently by each partner in a relationship. It is clear from our interviews, however, that this marker event is important, both because it suggests a new level of commitment for at least one partner in the relationship and because the nature of the marker event often helps to create an identity for the couple and becomes part of the couple’s psychological covenant.
