Finding an Identity as a Couple
Our marker event stories suggest that few of the rules regarding commitment that applied twenty or thirty years ago are at the forefront among younger men and women of the 1990s. The whole concept of engagement and marriage now feels out of date and a bit formal for our current tastes. Yet, we still have the expectation of a couple’s identity beginning with some formal announcement and the commitments that attend this announcement. Most of the men and women we interviewed identified rather unconventional moments as memorable with regard to the formation of a new identity as a couple: declaring love for each other for the first time, being identified as a couple by their friends, moving in together, buying their first piece of furniture together, moving to a new town (away from their parents) , having their first child, sharing the death of a parent, sharing a major life success, or realizing after fifty years that dancing together is fun. Much as Tevia’s inquiry to his wife, “Do you love me’?” seems to be moot in Fiddler on the Roof given that they have spent a life together, so the question of love and commitment may seem a given for many real-life couples who have forged a life together. While many of the marker events imply increased commitment of each partner to the relationship, they speak even more forcibly to the forging of this new identity—this new entity—the couple. It is in the daily activities of the couple that their shared identity is defined, not in formal ceremonies or public pronouncements of mutual commitment.
For Kevin and Alan, a couple who have been together for eleven years, the marker event was not a definitive point in time, but rather a short period of time, during which other people around them began to identify them as a couple. Specifically, Kevin and Alan were friends with a straight, married couple and Alan felt as though he and Kevin were a. couple when they were with this straight couple. According to Alan, “it had to do with acceptance. I felt like a couple when we were with them.” However, they both noted that they were not at that time identified as a couple by their families or by other friends. This identity — and the accompanying acceptance — took quite a bit more time. A similar process was described by many of the other gay and lesbian couples we interviewed.
