The differences between these two men in their willingness to disclose to a stranger (the interviewer) may relate to their own upbringing. Daniel is 35 years old and still lives at home with his Eastern European-born mother and his brother. His cultural background is evident in his reluctance to discuss such private matters. Daniel’s strong need for privacy is also manifest in his decision to live apart from Ben so that he will not have to reveal to his family that he is gay. Daniel sleeps at home every night, no matter what is happening in his relationship with Ben.
It is truly remarkable that their relationship has existed for ten years. Daniel did indicate that he would “like to see Ben more, in the day time.” However, lie went on to reveal that his need for privacy extends beyond his reluctance to reveal his sexual orientation to his family: “I realize that it is important for us to give each other their own space.” Fortunately, Ben’s own need for free time away from Daniel to do his own thing is quite compatible with Daniel’s need for his own “space.” Thus, Daniel and Ben find time together on their days off, but still devote much of their free time to independent pursuits.
While many other couples must confront differences in cultural background and, as a result, differences in comfort level regarding public and family disclosures, the dilemmas faced by many gay and lesbian couples have been exacerbated and particularly poignant during the past 20 years for many gay couples. Particularly during the 1990s, one or both partners may have facing premature death through the intrusion of AIDS-related illnesses. Daniel has tested positive with regard to the HIV antibody, while Ben is HIV negative. For many years they had to face AIDS, as have many other gay couples in America. Fortunately, both Daniel and Ben are still living. Complex issues regarding disclosure have been inevitably raised by this disease—regardless of whether or not it resulted in the death of one or more other the partners.
