Like Daniel and Ben, Mary and Ruth reported that they often struggled over the disclosure of their relationship to other people. One of them wants to get t out in the open and “out of the way,” while the other wants to be more cautious. Issues regarding disclosure of gay and lesbian identity are certainly less daunting than they were ten or twenty years ago, but they still play a major role with regard to disclosure norms for these couples. Early in their relationship, Mary and Ruth established specific times for being together and other times for being apart. Vacations served as a safety valve for revitalizing their relationship in a positive, fun-oriented context away from external, discriminatory influences. While many couples find vacations to be a renewing experience in which they rediscover their earlier, more carefree relationship, lesbian and gay couples often find their vacations together to be particularly renewing, because they can travel to locations where homosexual orientations are readily accepted, if not pervasive. These precious periods of time together in a gay or lesbian “sanctuary” may be critical to the preservation of special relationships such as we find with Mary and Ruth.
KEY POINTS
Enduring couples:
- Set norms or rules by which they live and work with one another in an effective and interpersonally-gratifying manner.
- Establish norms of mutuality and dominance between the two partners that are consciously different than the old patterns followed by their parents and families.
- Experience a marker event when the couple is recognized and labeled as one unit by friends and family.
- Set norms about discussable and non-discusssable issues both with each other and with other people about themselves.
- Discuss each other’s weaknesses frankly and honestly.
- View the maintenance of their relationship with their partner as more important than the maintenance of any other relationship.
