Velia is similarly at ease in reflecting on Ted’s strengths:
I appreciate his sense of humor, spontaneity, creativity. I admire his ability to “take in” but not take “on.” His ability to listen to me. His flexibility, intuition and his physical fits — strength and agility. And his health: spiritual and emotional. His bald head, hairy ears [playfully stated] . . . His genuine interest in people and his alive connection with the natural world [becoming more serious again.]
Fourth, Ted and Velia have established a norm of trust. They trust each other, even to the point of talking openly about being tempted to have an affair when they are apart from one another. Ted reports:
Sometimes I do feel tempted. But if I really thought about it . . . I could never do it [have an affair.] I could never hurt-Velia. It would complicate my life so horribly. I would never do it.
The quality of trust is particularly important in the case of Ted and Velia (as well as other couples involved in frequent separations) ; they must trust each other if they are willing to live with considerable independence.
In addition to trust, Ted and Velia point to frequent and open communication as a fifth norm in their relationship. Once again, this norm is particularly important given the extensive period of time that they live apart from one another. Not only must they be skillful in talking with one another over the telephone and by letter (without the many nonverbal clues that inform so much intimate, face-to-face communication among most couples) , they also must be particularly thoughtful in their communication with one another during those precious moments that they do have together. Their clarity of communication begins with their acknowledgement of the value each holds for the other. Velia observes that she:
came from a family of divorce. . . Â I think a lot about how these people didn’t know each other! I think about our being together and what it means to me. If we ever did separate, the communication would be different. I value you so much [turning to face Ted]. I wouldn’t poison what you mean to me.
