Sixth, Velia and Ted share a norm concerning money. Whereas money is a troubling and often destructive issue for many couples it is not a major issue for Ted and Velia because, according to Velia: “money is not a big thing with us. We use it when we have it and don’t get weirded out about not having it.” Ted confirms this conclusion: “I had become accustomed to the insecurity of an artist’s salary . . . Learned to hustle when I needed to pay bills. I keep the faith that something will come through.” Velia: “For me, it’s more frightening to become possessed by money or possessions. Certainly, our love is more important than money. We have a lot of strengths to survive and do it well. I’m thankful that we’re both comfortable with that — not status seekers.”
At first blush, Velia and Ted seem to be a throwback to the late 60s and the hippy distain for money and security, we find a quite different picture when we look at what they do on a daily basis. Velia is going back to graduate school in part to prepare herself for a more lucrative career. Ted remains active as an artist in Wyoming in part because he has a market there where he can sell his work and make some money. He also is able to live on a much lower income in his Wyoming cabin because of lower living costs. When Velia is able to once again live in Wyoming, all of their expenses will drop down, leaving them in a better place to put love ahead of money in their lives.
Seventh, Ted and Velia each take responsibility for what they need and not assume that their partner knows what they want. Ted indicates that they both have learned that it is critical “to communicate at times when you feel like closing up to make an effort.” Velia adds: “to not assume that your partner knows what you want or need . . . to own your mistakes .. . own your own stuff.” They seem to be living by this norm. They have managed, for instance, to keep their own disappointment in not having yet had a child from overwhelming their relationship. They talk openly and candidly about their disappointment. They share these feelings rather than letting them corrode their relationship through anger or the assignment of blame. Ted also noted that he has a mother who is very depressed and suicidal. It is very easy for Ted to get wrapped up in her problems and bring these problems into his own marriage. Yet, they both are aware of this potential area of conflict and are vigilant in not bringing Ted’s mother’s issues into their own relationship.
