Finally, Ted and Velia place romance at the heart of their relationship. This is not a business that they are creating together. It is an intimate relationship that requires special moments together and constant nourishment. During their interview, Ted and Velia always maintained body contact with each other in some way and maintained constant eye contact. They were speaking to each other as much as they were to the interviewer. They turned this experience of being interviewed about their relationship into a special experience that itself became romantic and a reaffirmation of their special relationship. Ted and Velia may not live “happily ever after.” However, up to this point, they have fashioned a remarkable relationship and should take great pride in what they have created for themselves and hopefully the children they will someday raise together.
An enduring couple like Ted and Velia cannot rest of their laurels. They must establish new norms for each developmental plate. The norms or rules that a couple lives with regarding the task of parenting may not necessarily be appropriate when the couple is discussing the family’s financial conditions. Similarly, the ways in which two people relate to each other while dealing with the “nuts and bolts” of establishing a new home or financial base, will often be inappropriate when they are dealing with the subtle and conflictual issues associated with preparing for death.
In this essay, we will focus on three different set of norms that are established formally or informally by most couples: (1) ways of living and working together, (2) dominance and mutuality, and (3) discussable and non-discussable issues.
Ways of Living and Working Together
Norms often are not set by a conscious effort. However, in the process of establishing norm-s in an enduring relationship, the two partners discover and consciously negotiate practical ways of living and working with one another. In his study of love, relations and the work of the soul, Moore labels this process the “vernacular life” — the particular place, family, friends, and neighborhood that are part of our daily lives.” He suggests that the work we do as couples in this vernacular life is the work of our soul, whereas the work of our spirit concerns loftier matters regarding ideal states and future plans. It is in our daily interactions with our partner and attention to the minor details of our life together that we forge the enduring structure and dynamics of our intimate relationship.
