Mary and Ruth have lived together for the past fifteen years. They own a home together and have established a rich, enduring and vital relationship in which the norms regarding daily routines are clearly defined. Mary (a social worker) comments on these norms:
We can talk together easily. We’ve learned how to successfully argue. We respect each other’s privacy. We have space and we give each other space. We have our own rooms . . . our own activities outside our relationship. We do two different kinds of work [Ruth is in a technical/scientific field], so we have totally different kinds of things to bring into the relationship.
This recipe for an enduring relationship was concocted by Mary and Ruth only after some difficult struggles concerning the distinctive differences that exist between the two of them. Typically, the initial versions of the rules of a couple’s relationship are the primary focus of the conflicts that arise during the storming phase. The norming phase for Mary and Ruth, as for most other couples, consists of the day-in and day-out refinement of these initial agreements (whether these agreements are explicit or tacit). In essence, the couple is trying to establish a long-term, enduring commitment. During this phase the two partners build a shared history or common memory which can sustain them through many hard times.
Dominance and Mutuality
During the storming phase, partners often struggle over and eventually define areas of dominance for each partner in the relationship and areas of shared mutuality in the relationship. As we noted in the previous chapter, some relationships consist primarily of negotiated areas of control and dominance, while other relationships consist of very little dominance and a large proportion of mutuality. Neither type of relationship is better than the other. The key is: do both partners agree to and support this norm?
