Frequently, the issues of dominance and mutuality in a relationship evoke very old memories and images for a couple. Resolution of these issues often occurs only after both partners acknowledge the continuing and often inappropriate replication of old family patterns. Erik Erikson notes that the major task in the latter part of our lives is coming to terms with our own parents. Oftentimes, this coming to terms begins much earlier in life with the establishment of a good working relationship between ourselves and our partner that moves us beyond old, traditional patterns that may not be very successful for couples who are addressing the complex problems of 21st Century life. In a few cases, couples we interviewed actually identified the appropriate use of old patterns that were often ahead of their times. David and Meryl, for instances, have replicated David’s parent’s pattern of shared childcare and housework. David ‘s father was a police officer with an early morning beat who came home in the afternoon to take care of the children and cook dinner, while David’s mother worked to supplement the family income.
One of the key marker events in many relationships is the moment when other people start referring to two partners as a couple. They now have a name as a couple: “let me introduce you to Cindy and Bob.’ “Where will Donna and Steve go on their vacation?” “Why don’t we invite Bev and Elizabeth over for dinner?” With this naming process comes a very subtle but often critical decision related to dominance and mutuality. What is the ordering of the names? Will it be Cindy and Bob, or Bob and Cindy? Bev and Elizabeth, or Elizabeth and Bev? This sequencing of names in some instances is imposed from the outside. The names of the two partners in a couple simply begin to be sequenced in a certain order by friends or relatives and the sequence sticks. In other instances, the two members of the couple themselves implicitly establish a sequence, through the messages they leave for other people and on their own phone answering machine, the way they sign their joint letters, Birthday cards and Christmas cards, and so forth. In either case, the sequencing often says something about the distribution of authority and influence in the relationship.
Couples know that the sequencing of names can be important, but also know that this is an irrational issue. As a result, they often speak about the ordering of their names with humor and a touch of embarrassment. Bob and Rita spoke about the critical moment when their friends begin to refer to them as a couple. In referring to this point as a marker event,
Rita states: “. . . you know, it’s when people start referring to you by one name, like Sue-and-Bob.” Bob interrupts and nods agreement: “Oh, I see, Bob-and-Sue.” He concurs with Rita about the importance of this event–but slips in a shift in the sequence of names. Other couples also kidded about the name sequence, often in a manner that identified this as an important, but not discussable issue.
