Discussable and Non-discussable
Name order is only one of many areas in a relationship that may not be discussable. It is critical for a couple to identify those topics that are discussable and those that are not. This norm takes on two different forms. First, there are a series of decisions made (explicitly or implicitly) by the couple regarding what is or is not discussable in their own relationship. Second, there are a series of decisions, often quite explicit, regarding what they will and will not disclose about themselves as a couple to other people.
With regard to the first norm of disclosure, many couples define explicitly or implicitly certain issues that can be discussed (such as the food we eat or who takes out the garbage). Other issues may be highly loaded and can never be discussed (such as one of the partner’s weight problems, finances, sexuality or the excessive consumption of alcohol). Many couples we interviewed spoke of their emerging sense of commitment to one another or the sense of intimacy they first experienced in their relationship as a matter of disclosing matters to each other that they had never disclosed to anyone else in their life. Jessie speaks of her first encounter with Dick and notes that while he “was tiptoeing into the relationship,” she “proposed to him six months before he proposed to me.” She told him that if, at some time in the future, he wanted to propose to her, the answer was yes and she just wanted him to know that if he ever started thinking about it. Six months later, Dick did propose and, true to her word, Jessie accepted.
Jessie offers a lovely example of how at least one member of a couple sets the norms early on for discussing the “undiscussable”—in this case her interest from the first in being married to Dick. Nothing coy. No beating around the bush. The flat-out truth of the matter for Jessie! This strength and openness was to serve their marriage very effectively in the years to come. Dick noted that Jessie “provided strength and stability” at the point when he began to confront a drinking problem. Jessie indicated during the interview that: “I’m a very consistent person and I wanted to support him. I was real easy. He’s someone to have a lot of respect for [because he stopped drinking].”
