The second part of the norm about discussability concerns what a couple willing to share with family, relatives, friends and strangers. This second norm is particularly important for Daniel and Ben, a gay couple who have been together for ten years, and for Mary and Ruth, a lesbian couple who have been together for fifteen years. In fact, most of the lesbian and gay couples we interviewed indicated that this second norm regarding discussable and non-discussable issues outside the relationship was particularly important and often troublesome. Gay and lesbian couples must individually and collectively decide when and where they will reveal that they are lesbian (or gay) and are a couple.
This issue is often a source of major conflict for gay and lesbian couples both because of the anger it tends to evoke in both parties regarding general societal prejudice and because of frequent differences of opinion between the two partners regarding how open they will be with their own families and friends, as well as strangers. While many couples have to determine when they will disclose to others (particularly, parents, relatives and close friends) that they are a couple (or have become intimate, moved in together and so forth), there is typically not the strong stigma and judgment that unfortunately often attends the disclosure of a gay or lesbian relationship.
For Daniel and Ben, the issue of disclosure resides at the very heart of their relationship, as defined in their founding story. When asked how they met, Daniel’s reply was that they met at “a club.” That was as revealing as he intended to get. Ben, however, was more straightforward and indicated that they in fact met at a bath house. This was a significant disclosure for Ben, given that in the era of AIDS, bathhouses have become symbols of gay promiscuity for many members of the “straight” world and as a painful reminder for many gays of their prior years in practicing unsafe sex.
