Suzanne then looked at Jamal for his approval before she continued. He nodded and she went on to tell the interviewer that she had set a deadline for making a decision about getting married. She feels that after six years they have to make a decision as to whether they will eventually marry. From this perspective, the issue would seem to be one of unwanted disengagement. She wants the relationship to have firmer boundaries and a greater longevity and commitment. Yet, the decision also hinges they can agree to a compromise about Jamal’s family. He wants his parents to move in after they are married. Suzanne doesn’t want them to move in. Suzanne summed it all up when she said: “ . . . and then we’re back to square one again.”
Previous parts of their interview suggest that they have established a rich and caring relationship with one another. They have built a life together’, have weathered many storms and genuinely love each other. They have moved several times through the processes of forming, storming, norming and performing. They are now at yet another turning point in their relationship. In many ways, this is the most important point, for it moves them to a central question regarding the boundaries of their relationship. Are we an autonomous couple or are we an integral part of Jamal’s extended family? Do we live alone or with Jamal Is parents? Suzanne is tired of living without a firm commitment from Jamal, yet she knows that obtaining a commitment of marriage from Jamal means that the boundary issue must finally be resolved.
Conversely, Jamal has been hesitant to discuss a lifelong commitment with Suzanne. In keeping with his culture, Jamal doesn’t feel comfortable in making more explicit the nature and extent of his commitment with Suzanne. He feels that “she would know” that he would not be with her for so long a period of time if he did not love her. As in the case of Tevye’s wife (who comes from another traditional culture) there is no need for Jamal to discuss the matter of commitment, given that two people have lived together for many years. Yet, Suzanne is asking for just such a discussion and has set a deadline for an explicit decision. Like Suzanne, Jamal is hesitant to get married because it will bring the issue of his parents to the surface. As long as he and Suzanne just live together, they wouldn’t have to make the difficult (if not impossible) decision to invite his parents to live with them.
