From Jamal’s perspective, Suzanne is forcing the issue and may destroy their relationship. From Suzanne’s point of view, this is a double-bind. She wants a clear commitment from Jamal regarding marriage, but knows that either this demand for a clear commitment could drive him away or that the attendant problem regarding his parents could lead to a dead-end. Thus, like many of the couples we interviewed, Jamal and Suzanne face yet another difficult decision in the midst of a relationship that up to this point has endured. Will they make it past this most difficult point and forge a new relationship and new marriage?
To turn to the other extreme, relationships often tend to be closed with regard to the relationship between a couple and the outside world if many or at least several very important constituencies in the outside world look with disfavor upon the relationship that this couple has established. The most common cause of this disfavor, at least in the past, has been dislike of one of the partners by the other partner’s parents, family or friends. Sometimes, this disfavor is mild and soon overcome. At other times, as in the case of Romeo and Juliet, the disfavor is profound and sometimes leads to tragic consequences. Many a Hollywood movie has been based on this familiar scenario: boy meets girl, girl’s parents don’t like boy, boy and girl see each other in secret, boy and girl eventually elope, boy and girl do something special to win the favor and support of the parents, family or friends. The movie ends with a happy ending. Everyone is warm and cozy.
We found from our interviews that this process sometimes does occur (with some modifications) in real life. Clyde and Gertrude have been married for fifty-five years, and first met in their youth group at church in 1935. At the time they were both “going with” other people, but they soon broke up these other relationships and began dating each other. Their attraction to one another was immediate and strong: “Clyde told me that he was going to marry me when we were on our first date.” After dating less than a year, they eloped because Gertrude’s parents would not give their permission for them to marry, believing that she was too young.
