In the case of Mary and Ruth, a closed system was needed for many years as they protected themselves from the prevalent prejudice in their community regarding lesbian relationships.
The existence of strong shared values on the part of Mary and Ruth provided reassurance for them during these early, difficult years together with frequent discrimination, they readily created a mutually reinforcing picture of their distinctive relationship as a lesbian couple. However, they were unable to share this distinctive identity with many family members, friends or colleagues at work. Furthermore, they would become very angry regarding the need to even consider being cautious in disclosing their relationship to other people.
In reflecting back on this difficult period of time, Ruth indicated that:
. . . .given the nature of the relationship, there was a lot of stress and strain that evolved. It wasn’t how I expected my life to go, and I don’t think you [Mary] did either. So there was a lot of inconsistency. What are we going to do? Major, major problem.
Both Mary and Ruth felt very ambivalent about keeping their relationship secret. They wanted to share their joy and excitement about one another, yet felt compelled to. often hide this very special set of shared feelings. Mary pointed out that humor was often the saving grace for the two of them: “I would be ranting and raving [about discrimination against lesbian couples] , so [Ruth] would put on a red [clown’s] nose to protest and it made me laugh. So, she got the message across.”
The joint purchase of a house was a particularly important marker event for Ruth and Mary, leading to the emergence of a much more open system for this couple. The new home represented a public statement about their legal existence as a couple. It came only after they had been together for nine years. In many ways, this purchase symbolized the mutual resolution of their ambivalence about “coming out” regarding their relationship. It occurred at a point when the other norms in their relationship had been firmly established, and they had settled on an acceptance of their life together. They now had a public identity for themselves as a couples which provided them with the strength to face future discriminatory problems together. While their early experiences of prejudice forced them to pull in together as a rather closed system with very strong boundaries (as expressed in the secretive nature of their relationship) , they were eventually able to open up their system and survive the public visibility of their mutual commitment.
