Gene and Margie make a point of having coffee together each morning before he leaves for work. Margie then takes their daughter to childcare and usually picks her up after work though there is flexibility when her schedule changes temporarily. They both have long commutes, so dinner is not elaborate. Gene and Margie like to cook, but Gene does most of it. They are both devoted to their daughter and spend time with her in the evening before going to bed around 9:30 pm. In such a busy life, there is little time for elaborate ritual or even so-called “quality time” together d* for the quality time is spent with their young daughter. A small ritual (coffee together in the morning) soon is invested with considerable significance as the one act that is shared by Gene and Maggie virtually every morning. Even Gene and Margie may not be aware of the significance of this one shared act in their busy, independent lives. The meaning of this small, daily ritual may only become apparent when they discuss it with an interviewer (or marriage counselor). Alternatively, it’s importance may only become apparent when on partner abandons it for some reason. Then all hell breaks loose. Both partners are likely to be surprised with regard to the emotions attached to the ritual. There often is a pressing need to restore this simple daily event or risk 1osing the relationship!
Moving Together and Apart
At the heart of the ongoing relationship between two people is the issue of enmeshment (growing together) versus disengagement (growing apart). Enmeshment concerns the extent to which the lives of two people are intricately interwoven. Partners in a highly enmeshed couple do everything together, are usually very dependent on each other for most of the emotional gratifications in life and often are unable to distinguish their own opinions, feelings and aspirations from those of their partner. There are, in other words, very diffuse boundaries between the two partners. It is hard to determine where one partner leaves off and the other begins. By contrast, highly disengaged relationships are those in which the two partners barely keep in touch with each other. They operate essentially independent of one another, passing like “ships in the night.” They establish what is sometimes called a “marriage of convenience.”
In many cases we found that the issue of enmeshment versus disengagement focused on specific incidents, on moments of enmeshment or disengagement, rather than an overall style of living together. Aaron, for instance, spoke about his dream of temporary disengagement. He would like to spend a week alone sitting on a beach in Hawaii. Becky doesn’t believe that this is really what Aaron wants (or at least what he should do), suggesting that he really doesn’t like being alone and has an obligation to spend more time with his family: “Why would you want to go to Hawaii by yourself of all places. You’d think you’d want to go there with me. We haven’t had a vacation like that for years. I can’t believe it. Why don’t you want to go fishing with the boys or to baseball camp?” In this particular instance, Aaron is looking for (or at least wanting to dream about) greater disengagement in their relationship (and their family), while Becky is arguing for more enmeshment and engagement.
