As in the case of many conflicts regarding the establishment of an enduring relationship, Becky and Aaron soon move to the heart of their relationship and their covenant with one another. Aaron suggests that Becky “thinks I want to go to Hawaii to make love to other women on the beach.” I don’t. I’d just like some time to myself on the beach.” At this point, Becky could no longer maintain her pleasant veneer. She snapped back at Aaron: “Yeah right. You’d just lie on the beach by yourself for a week.” Aaron backed off: “It’s just a fantasy. You know me. I’d be lonely and miserable in an hour. Of course, I’d rather be with you.” In this brief interchange, we see Aaron submerging certain aspects of himself in order for Becky to feel safe. Becky, in turn, becomes the unloving and demanding “bitch” who won’t let Aaron run free. Neither of them particularly like these roles, and they must begin to openly address their real needs in the relationship for both connectedness (enmeshment) and independence if they are to move beyond their current conflictual status.
For some of the couples we interviewed there is very little conflict with regard to the norms of enmeshment and disengagement, because they have come to agreement on this matter and are either heavily enmeshed as a couple or consistently disengaged. Highly enmeshed relationships are typical in many traditional European and European-American families of lower middle-class origins. The entire family is wrapped up in each other’s business. No one does anything without checking in with one another. The transition of one member of the family out of the household, to get married or go to school, is often highly traumatic for everyone in the family, particularly the parents. Mother and father fight a lot, but always make up and never spend a night apart.
Conversely, many relationships among the upper class and upper middle class in Europe for many centuries were built on a norm of disengagement. The husband and wife agree to remain together for the children and to meet various social obligations. Each of these partners, however, had their own lovers who met their sexual needs and often their needs for intimacy. They also often went their separate ways with regards to friends, recreational and artistic interests, and vacations. A disengaged relationship of this sort may be exemplified in the apparently successful marriage of Bill and Hillary Clinton. A not-so-successful, but perhaps unavoidable, disengaged arrangement may be found in the relationship that was established (unsuccessfully) for a short period of time by Prince Charles and Princess Diana.
