A similar pattern is to be found in the relationship that has been established between Tina and Ben. These bright, upper middle-class people have been in a relationship for seven years; yet, when asked if they live together, Tina (a lawyer) says, “Well, yes, we sort of live together,” while Ben (owner of a business) says flat out, “no.” They spend most of their nights at Tina’s three bedroom flat in a highly affluent area of a large West Coast city, and most weekends at Ben’s home in an affluent suburban of this city. They also spend at least one night per week without each other. To her this is “sort of” living together. To him, it isn’t and that in and of itself tells us a great deal about this relationship. Along traditional gender lives, Ben sees himself as very separate. (in terms of his career) and very autonomous (in term sof his interpersonal relationships), while Tina sees herself as part of a couple, with many attachments. He is part of a convenient arrangement. She is part of an intimate relationship.
The entire interview was very difficult for Ben, given that he didn’t perceive that they were a couple. When the interviewer asked Ben and Tina about the moment when they had become a couple, Ben became very frustrated: “I don’t know what it is that you’re asking. Does that mean the first time you went to bed with somebody?” He finally acknowledged that: “I never think of us as a couple. We are two individuals. It has nothing to do with a couple.” Tina offered her own conclusion at this point: “I think we have been a couple for seven years, but Ben, what is it about the word ‘couple’ that bothers you?” At this point, Ben articulated a basic credo for many people who prefer to live in. highly disengaged relationships: “Couple is like two people who are tied together.”
