In this statement, Ben reveals some of his most basic fears regarding being in a relationship and making a commitment. His fears may reside partially in a failed first marriage and in his continuing obligations to his two children from this previous marriage. While both Ben and Tina have children from a previous marriage, Tina’s children are of college age and live with her when they are in town. Conversely, as in the case of many men, Ben did not gain custody of his children after being divorced from his first wife. His children live in the mid-west and Ben flies back to see them at least once a month and spends four to six days with them. While Ben is successful enough in his career to devote considerable time and money to being with his children, his commitment to them is quite impressive. Clearly, a commitment is to be honored in full by Ben. He does not enter relationships easily and tends to view them as binding rather than freeing for everyone involved.
In the case of Frederick and Helene, the traditional gender roles have been reversed. Whereas Ben and Max had assumed the male role of detachment, Frederick wanted a strong commitment in his relationship with Helene. While Sally and Tina were seeking out a stronger commitment from their male partner, Helene is concerned about keeping some distance between herself and Frederick. In many ways, Frederick and Helene exemplify the emerging changes in sex roles. Many women wish to protect their new-found independence while many men want to participate more fully in family and community life. Frederick indicated that he “wanted from a family what I didn’t get from my own.” According to Frederick:
. . . my folks were pretty simple people . . it was like I was always too weird or too smart for the Helene was adopted . . . she had stepbrothers and sisters . . . her mother divorced and remarried a couple of times . . . I asked Helene for a commitment . . .her take on it was, let’s get married and if it doesn’t work, hey, no big deal . . . we can just get divorced . . . and I wanted something more than that.
One gains a clear sense in interviewing this couple that Helene is not prepared to believe that someone as “exciting” or “exotic” as Frederick might be interested in having a long term relationship with her. One also gains the impression that Frederick was deliberately looking to create a sense of family that he never had and still missed. Perhaps, Helene was being cautious about their relationship in part because she did not completely trust Fredrick’s staying power and may not be convinced that Frederick had a realistic sense of the nature of enduring commitment to another person. Conversely, she may doubt her own ability to make such a commitment, given that she has no role models of enduring commitment in her own life.
