Tara: Or he MAKES a mess and he doesn’t care about mess when I point it out to him.
Donald: That bothers her more than the mess I make.
Tara: His standards are too low and so is his self-image. And he’s willing to live with it.
Donald: I like a clean place, but it doesn’t occur to me to clean it up. I like to think I have tremendous power of concentration, and I clean up the mess when I notice it.
Tara: Bullshit. And I like to think I have higher standards than his. I organize things and he messes them up. Like the pots and pans in the kitchen cupboards. [Angry] Two days after I organize the cupboards, they are a mess and when I go to find something, I have to look everywhere.
Donald: That is why we’re such a successful couple. Tara: [Laughs] That’s right. That’s why we’re so happy. Donald: See . . .I tell a joke and she laughs.
We see several classic conflicts enacted in this one brief vignette. Different standards in cleanliness are intertwined with the sense (from Tara’s perspective) that Donald is simply lazy and waiting for her to do the work, and (from Donald’s perspective) that Tara is too uptight about outward appearances Anger centers, therefore, not only on the issue of whose standards are observed, but also on the extent to which either partner discloses his or her real, underlying perceptions regarding the other partner’s lazy or uptight disposition. This couple is able to head off an escalating argument through the use of self-deprecating (and couple-deprecating) humor. Other couples often continue the escalation and create a home that is neither neat nor pleasing to be in.
Later in the interview, we discover yet other reasons why Donald and Tara are able to live with their differences regarding neatness First, Donald has come to admire some of Tara’s more obsessive traits. He praises her interest in making lists, and notes how these lists help both of them get organized, ‘sometimes when I want to stall for a time, I say to her that she should make a list . . . it works.” Tara has also come to trust Donald more fully. She genuinely believes that his standards are different from hers. This has come about through extensive conversations between the two of them and the assistance of a marriage counselor.
