A second reason is based on a somewhat less positive portrait of Tara and Donald. It seems that in many different domains of their relationship, Tara reacts off Donald. While she seems to get particularly mad about his messes around the house, she also has often reacted in the past (and even in the present) with considerable frustration regarding his relationships with other women, his taste in books, and his unwillingness to teach her how to use various electronic devices, thereby leaving her dependent on him. (Donald: And I intentionally try to show her how to operate them when she’s in a bad mood. [They both laugh] She even complains about the way in which he fights with him.
It seems that Donald continues to find ways in which to provoke Tara so that she will attack and he will withdraw, thereby giving him a victory over her and reaffirming his impression that Tara is “damned unstable” and that he is necessary in her life. On the other hand, Donald is very compliant in continuing to give Tara messes for her to clean up: messes in their home and messes in his life. While muttering under her breath or screaming at the top of her lungs regarding the mess he has made, Tara has assumed an indispensable role in their family. In these complex ways, Donald and Tara insure that they are both needed and wanted, thereby reducing the insecurities that both of them have felt throughout their lives regarding their own value to other people and, in particular, their parents. As with most couples, many of the issues regarding home and possessions are based in unresolved issues with their own parents. Household possessions provide convenient triggers and symbols for old childhood memories, Conflicts regarding neatness provide relatively safe ways in which to represent old parental values and conflicts.
The issue of neatness was even more difficult for Sally and Max to address, because, unlike Donald and Tara, they came together as a couple much later in life and both had well-entrenched patterns of living. Sally and Max were both teachers when they met, and Donald was still grieving the loss of his first wife to cancer. Sally f 1 “hopelessly” in love with Max within a year and envisioned them as married and providing a home together for Max’s five boys. She anticipated domesticity, love, happiness and security. The home would reflect beauty, neatness and tranquility which she highly valued .
