While some couples avoid doing projects together because it re-invokes conflicts about decision-making, perceived incompetence, distribution of work, patience and so forth, other couples, such as Kurt and Devon, continually re-invoke the magic of their initial encounter through the work they do together on their home. This is, in turn, a concrete manifestation of their relationship and the values they share and express in public through their home.
Performing: What Do We “Possess” Together That Is Really Important?
Many of the couples we interviewed indicated that the things they most value in their home are not very tangible and are not really things that can be possessed. Sam and Caroline indicate that the thing they care most about their home is “the sense of family.” For them, that means their two kids and having time with all four family members at home. Time together becomes the valued possession. This, unfortunately, is an elusive possession for Sam and Caroline. Like many successful, dual career couples, Sam and Caroline find time together at home to be a rare commodity. Like many of her peers, Caroline commutes about 35 miles one way to her job. Sam’s job takes him out of town frequently and there are many night meetings. This, coupled with his responsibilities at their church (as choir director) severely limits the amount of time the four of them are together as a family.
Sam and Caroline may value this sense of family more than any material possession in part because they really don’t possess many material objects of any financial value. They do not own their home, nor do they see any prospects of home ownership in the near future. Caroline indicated that she would definitely like to buy a house as soon as possible, whereas Sam thinks it would be okay to do so but doesn’t seem interested in putting any energy into making that happen. Caroline was silent as Sam expressed his hesitancy. The interviewer sensed that she wished strongly that he would feel differently about buying their own home. For these two people, the sense of family is clearly the central possession, whereas material possessions (at least a home) was a bone of contention. Whether driven to it by financial constraints or by a growing understanding of the underling commitments that possessions represent, most enduring couples eventually begin to appreciate the deeper values of their relationships, and are not just enamored with physical possessions.
