Forming: When Do We Make Joint Commitments Regarding Important Possessions?
This was a second marriage for both James and Hillary.. Hillary is 47 years old and was married at age 20 for 8 years. She has three sons from her previous marriage, aged 23, 25 and 26. James is 41 years old, was married briefly at age 25 and has no children. They were living together for several years and initially were both very happy with this arrangement. Hillary, however, began to worry about the relationship. According to James “it involved a lot of crying, talking about what we’ve been through.” Eventually, they decided to get married, and about a year later they bought a house together. This was definitely a marker event for this couple — as Hillary observed during their interview:
I needed a feeling of roots. The place was related to it. We wanted a place where we could have things the way we wanted, an investment. I wanted to decorate it and be done with it, so that I could do something else. I’m not quite done three years later. More settled though, just finishing touches. I may never finish.
For James, buying the house and fixing it up was a way of getting closer to Hillary. It was not just an investment, as Hillary suggested (though she may have been speaking of their mutual “investment” in their relationship):
I’ve been able to get a better idea of where she comes from, how she feels, what’s important to her. As long as things are comfy and functional, I’m as happy as a clam. She needs pretty colors and patterns. Buying a house with my brother was an investment. This home is a whole different thing.
For Hillary:
. . . it’s made a big difference, because it’s something we did together. We had to interact and come to agreements. Sometimes it was very hard. We were tired and crabby. It was stressful, but our relationship has started to feel more solid.
James agreed and added: “I have a better understanding of Hillary.” Like many couples we interviewed, James and Hillary used the experience of buying and repairing a house together as a vehicle for solidifying their own relationship and learning more about one another. While this forging of a new relationship in a “homebuilding” crucible can be risky, given that it may reveal different tastes, different levels of commitment and different notions about what a “home” is after all, it can serve as an enduring base for a couple that is newly creating their relationship.
