Storming: How Do We Resolve Our Conflicts Regarding Possessions?
Many of the couples we interviewed spoke of conflicts associated with identifying “our” things and “your” things and “my” things. This task is particularly difficult when one of the two partners is moving into the “turf” of the other partner, rather than establishing a new home together from scratch. Obviously, this is often the case when two people come together later in life. They can decide either to begin anew, by selling all of most of the possessions they accumulated in previous relationships or they can move into the home that one of the partners has already established, then attempt to introduce some (or all) of the possessions of the other partner as well as begin to buy some things together that represent their shared tastes and portray their shared values.
Luke and Conrad decided to find a new home when they moved in together. They combined many of their possessions from previous homes and put left over items in storage. In the back of Luke’s mind, he still wanted to hold on to some of his things: “underneath, you still want to save your stuff just in case things don’t work out and you have to move back on your own.” After three years of living together, Luke realized that they didn’t need to keep all that extra furniture in storage anymore. Their individual things have melted together and instead of “yours and mine,” it has become “ours.” This marked a symbolic turning point for Luke. He felt more secure in the relationship, knowing that they now possess essentially everything in common.
Another symbol of change and deepening trust for Luke occurred when he no longer felt the need to be consulted about every little item purchased for their house. They always went to a large hardware and lumber store together on weekends to buy things for their home, but now Luke doesn’t feel as strong a need to be involved. However, when there are large purchases or home remodeling projects, Conrad still consults Luke. Luke and Conrad have learned how to manage their differences in most matters regarding joint purchases. Several years ago, for instance, they decided to buy a car together. Conrad did the research. He read consumer magazines, looked up base prices for specific models, and even found out that they could get a special fleet rate (as teachers). This new car was to be Conrad’s baby!
