The Nature and Dynamics of Enduring Relationships
As we reflected back on the stories and lessons provided by the men and women we interviewed for this book, one very strong theme emerged: enduring relationships are built on a strong commitment to remain together, despite adversity experienced by the two partners and by the couple itself. At the start of this book, we described two different models of intimate relationships, one defining intimate relationships in terms of happiness and the capacity the relationship to provide joy in our life, the other defining intimate relationships in terms of the learning and growth that can occur in this very difficult type of relationship in our society. As we listened to the people we interviewed, we found ourselves leaning toward the latter model. The enduring relationships that were described to us seemed to be the vehicles not for happiness, but rather for learning and growth. In many instances, the partners we interviewed have chosen to remain in and work on their relationship not because they wanted to be happy, but rather because they wanted to build a life together and find meaning in their life through their enduring, intimate relationship.
The first model seems to be the product of marital counselors and psychologists, who are in the business of helping to alleviate pain Just as physicians will soon be out of business if they can’t alleviate their patients’ pain, as well as treat the physical problem that precipitates the pain, so marital therapists must help troubled partners find a way to feel better about themselves and their relationship. It is understandable, therefore, that therapists who write books about couples try to help their readers alleviate the pain in their relationship and that they tend to view intimate relationships as contracts to be modified and even dissolved if the relationship isn’t a source of happiness for both partners.
The second model, by contrast, seems to be the product of religious leaders and other people involved in the business of personal and spiritual growth. They are not in the business of alleviating pain, but rather in the business of “soul work” or, stated in secular terms, in the business of encouraging hard and often painful maturation of one’s sense of life purposes and personal destination. This difficult work is only likely to occur within the context of the relationship if the two partners establish a firm commitment, which we have identified as a “covenant.” Within these constraining boundaries, a couple can take risks and come back together again and again through remarriage processes.
