Remarriage was certainly apparent in the life of Lawrence and Tina. With the birth of her first child, Tina experienced postpartum depression. She also found herself performing most of the household chores where they had been equally shared before the birth of their child. As in the case of many women we interviewed, the period of pregnancy and childbirth seems to bring out the traditional masculine role(s) in Tina’s husband. Men who have been very actively engaged in household chores before the child is born ¬often seem to abandon this role precisely at the time when their partner needs the greatest amount of assistance. Tina had taken a maternity leave from her health management position. As a result, she was spending 24 hours a day with the baby. The caregiver responsibilities were left exclusively in her hands.
Lawrence was having some problems of his own. He resented Tina’s “nagging” and started spending more time at work and riding his bicycle precisely because he wanted to get away from her. He was drinking more wine with dinner than was his custom, and many arguments ensured, with Tina finding little ways to “get even.” Their relationship became rocky and it was obvious to both of them that they would have to take some steps to recover their marriage. They decided to see a counselor.
When asked “can you identify a time when you were particularly open with one another and what made it easy to be open at that particular time,” they both agreed that it was during their visits with the marriage counselor. This was a classic remarriage scenario. Lawrence was able to express how he felt about an abortion that they had decided to have earlier in their marriage and about Tina’s unilateral decision to give birth to their second child. Up to this time, they had not discussed his feelings regarding these matters. Both Lawrence and Tina agreed that they were able to be so open because it was safe. They had a referee! They continue to seek help when either one feels the need.
Even for couples who have grown children, the issue of child rearing rears its contentious head. When John and Nancy were asked to identify areas in which they differ regarding values, Nancy immediately replied, almost dryly, “The time I spend with the children.” John agreed and explained that one area where this showed up was in long distance phone calls. John complained that Nancy would spend an hour talking to one of their distressed children about their life in general. John thought that was an expense they couldn’t afford, especially since she wasn’t offering counsel about a specific problem.
