Nancy soon turned the conversation from finances to the issue of responsibility for child-rearing. Nancy often goes to help her children during times of great need. To her, as well as her children, this is an expected task. However, according to Nancy, “John doesn’t like me to be gone for more than two days at a time.” John acknowledged that this was so. But he defended himself by asserting that Nancy usually goes to such events as the births of grandchildren. Then she’d come home and have to work 52 hours a week to make it up financially: “I’m afraid she’ll kill herself, so I try to keep things from getting out of hand in this way.”
Even though this was still an area of contention for the two of them, John felt that they had come a long way in learning to work thee conflicts out. “Now we have a lot more give and–take,” according to John: “If we talk about it, and still don’t agree, we give it time and we pray about it. Circumstances will usually direct us, without our having to force things. It’s almost exciting to see how it works out.”
For John and Nancy, a third entity (prayer, God) is brought into the picture to help mediate the conflict. They step away from their set positions during an argument, talk a bit, cool off and wait for this third, intermediary (circumstances, God’s intervention) to provide an answer. Many of the couples we interviewed a third entity as very helpful in their resolution of difficult conflicts. The third entity might be a person (friend, relative, counselor) or a transpersonal force (God fate, some unforeseen event, horoscope and so forth).
In the case of mutual projects, the issue of time is often compounded by the concern for appropriate and feasible allocation of money. How much do we invest in this new business? How much can we afford in terms of veterinary and boarding costs for our cherished dog or horse? Where do we find the money for the remodeling of our prized kitchen? In the case of Larry and Harold, the remodeling of their home required the entangling of finances for the first time in their relationship. The financing of their home was, according to Harold, “like our marriage.” He went on later to point out that: “our relationship has evolved into that of a married couple. We’re comfortable .. . much more domesticated. The house is indicative of our lives Its a blend of both of us. I like garage sales for clothes and furniture. Larry likes nice things.”
