Norming: How Do We Raise Our Children and/or Conduct Our Project?
Even when a couple has arrived at a comfortable decision regarding the priority, they will assign in their life to the raising of children, they still must agree (or agree to disagree) on the rules of conduct and type and degree of discipline they will exert in raising their children. Frequently, voices from previous points in their lives (typically, their own childhood) come to the fore. Grown men and women hear themselves mouth the words and warnings they heard from their parent when young.
Words and warnings, they once vowed never to use themselves! Men and women who find themselves agreeing on most issues in their lives (politics, music, literature, recreation and so forth) suddenly find themselves on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to raising children. More often, partners know that they have some differences of opinion about raising children, having come from very different families; however, they often don’t realize how deeply engrained these patterns of behavior are and how frustrating it can be to raise children with another person who is absolutely “nuts” (usually either a Nazi or an anarchist!) regarding the raising of children.
Bea certainly was aware that Donald came from a tight-knit Sicilian family, and Donald knew that Bea came from a cold, authoritarian family of German descent. They knew this because they shared a common interest in escaping from these repressive backgrounds and because Bea had already struggled with a mother-in-law who tells her how to cook, do the laundry, and arrange the furniture. Bea’s in-laws in fact had bought the furniture for their new home and had it delivered as a surprise. However, neither Bea nor Donald were prepared for the impact of four children, born about a year apart. They strongly disagreed on how to raise their four girls. Donald tended to be very demonstrative and permissive (like his Sicilian parents) whereas Bea tended to be a disciplinarian. They soon learned, despite their deepest intentions, that they were repeating the same child-rearing patterns as their parents.
This became a critical moment in the relationship between Bea and Donald. They had to create new values regarding child-raising that worked for both of them, independent of their own experiences as children. They also faced several other related crises. Bea became very depressed during the early years of her children and was at times suicidal. At the same time, Donald was trying to pass a licensing exam for his profession, but was unable to study with all of the chaos at home. Bea received little help from outside her home. She rejected her mother-in-law’s offer of assistance, and her own mother moved far away soon after their children were born. Donald did help out at home, but it was a very traditional division of labor. Donald took care of the car and yard, while Bea did the cooking, laundry and house cleaning. Both cared for the children.
