Caroline and Sam both agreed that the children had brought them closer together and had at times been the “glue” that held them together through times of high stress between them as a couple; however, this doesn’t seem to match very well with their differences of opinion. While the two shared their individual perceptions about the other in relationship to the kids, there was clearly a distancing between them when they spoke of these differences. Caroline wasn’t afraid to acknowledge that they disagreed. Sam refused to acknowledge the differences. Yet, they both seemed impervious to these differences when they talked about what the children meant in their lives. Their comments here almost read like: “these are the things parents are supposed to feel about their kids.” There seemed to be a pseudo agreement between them that their kids would be the glue that held them together. As long as they didn’t argue with each other about their disagreements regarding discipline, they wouldn’t have to face the fact that they don’t agree with each other and that their children are pulling them apart as well as holding them together.
Tally and Kesha also struggled with the issue of discipline, but came to a much more satisfying solution than did Caroline and Sam. They both came from a very traditional culture (India) and found that a focal point of their relationship and their shared values was a struggle with old parental values. When first married, Tally and Kesha had quite different views on parenting. Tally was very reluctant to discipline their children in any way. He traced this back to his strong reactions against the domineering and abusive parenting that he experienced. Kesha claimed he was afraid to touch the children at all. He would sit and “reason” with them for hours, while she became more and more frustrated.
The key for them was to find a way of blending Tally’s distaste for coercive control with Kesha’s concern that their children receive a clear message from their parents regarding boundaries and acceptable behavior. Kesha and Tally now have weekly family meetings with their children where they encourage trust and honesty in each other. They negotiate disagreements with their children, rather than forcing them to accept parental authority. At the end of these meeting, however, there are clear resolutions, and expectations regarding what the children will do during the coming week. Love is mixed with clarity and communication.
