The key issue for the two of them has not been race, but rather Kent’s family obligations. Dean tells this part of the story: “On the second day [Kent and I were together], the kids came running in.” Kent had said nothing to Dean up to that point about an ex-wife or children. Tina was five and-a half at the time and she came running in screaming, “Daddy, Daddy.” Dean was sitting on the couch watching television at the time. Then David, who was about -ten came in, then Kent’s ex-wife, Patricia. Dean said he panicked and thought: “Oh shit, he’s married. There is going to be a huge fight.” But he said he managed to keep his cool.
Tina came over to the sofa and sat next to Dean. Kent came into the room and introduced Dean to his ex-wife. Then Tina turned to Dean and said: “I don’t know you very well, but if you hurt my father in any way, I will get you.” Five minutes later they were all wrestling around. A remarkable story of one man being accepted into the life and home of another man and his children (and ex-wife!) This immediate acceptance, however, does not mean that a relationship has been formed or that the marker event has occurred which establishes the two partners as a couple, ready to establish a home together.
Kent and Dean dated each other for ten months before moving in together. Kent kept pressing Dean to move in, but Dean said “no” because they were both recovering from previous relationships, and they needed to get beyond these relationships first. The logistics were also a problem, as they are with many contemporary couples who are attempting to establish a home together. Kent lived in an urban area and Dean in a suburban community about forty miles away. They both were working as teachers in public school systems and had other jobs on the side. It was not easy for either of them to pull up stakes. Finally, Dean announced that he was moving in. He did, and they have lived together for the past fifteen years.
Ironically, while the issue of children and Kent’s established home were initially a potential problem for this couple, these commitments have turned out to be one of the strengths in their relationship. They are both very proud of the two children, and in particular their independence and individual accomplishments. When Kent divorced Patricia, the children chose to stay with him. They have maintained a close relationship with Patricia over the years and have lived with her on several occasions. Yet, their primary commitment during their childhood was to their father, Kent, and their second father, Dean.
