Dean and Kent talk about the challenge of raising two children during the 1980s and 1990s when there were few role models for same-sex partners with regard to the raising of children. They found that with the children as a focus in their relationship, they had to assume roles that were more often patterned after heterosexual roles. Kent, for instance, is very conscious of Mother’s Day. He feels that he assumed that role in his children’s upbringing and is adamant that this role be celebrated despite the fact that he is the biological father.
Children or mutual projects tend to draw in all of the other plates. As a result, this plate is often the eye of the hurricane during stormy phases in the life of a -couple. Consequently, child-rearing or joint project management is often identified as the central problem area for a couple. This is certainly the case with Caroline and Sam. They both indicated during their interview that their most intensive “serious talks together” have recently centered on family and child-rearing issues. About six weeks prior to the interview, Caroline had become very angry about Sam’s new job (church promotional director). It was taking Sam away from their family more than she felt was necessary.
She confronted him with her frustrations, citing what she termed his “lack of interest” in assuming “his share of the responsibility around the house and with the kids.” She indicated that these problems needed to be fixed immediately or she was considering leaving him. Sam agreed that things had gotten out of hand, but noted that he had recently begun to structure time with the kids and with Caroline. He listed the tasks he had recently assumed as his to equalize the responsibilities in their home, but didn’t seem to have a clear picture of what all that left for Caroline to do. She declined to comment further. They were both uncomfortable at this point. Clearly, they had work to do on this difficult issue.
As with many couples, Caroline and Sam are caught up in a very difficult conflict that draws in the socio-economic viability and values plates, along with child-rearing. Sam has to make a living, but he must also spend time with the children. With a higher-paying job, Sam would not have to work so hard by assuming extra work, and could therefore devote more time to his family. Yet, Sam finds his work with the church to be personally gratifying and of great value and does not want to shift to a higher paying but less valued career. What should be done? Caroline indicates that she wishes Sam would separate more from the Church and value time with her and the kids more. She seemed almost on the edge of suggesting that she and the kids take “second place” to the Church in Sam’s mind.
