Caroline and Sam certainly are faced with a difficult problem. There are no easy solutions, though one cannot help but wonder if Sam is as sensitive as he could be to Caroline’s predicaments during the evening or if Caroline is really as supportive as she could be of Sam’s commitment to a career in the church. Just when they reach out for a solution to this child-rearing problem (such as Sam dropping back on his workload or taking on a higher- paying job) Caroline and Sam bump up against another critical issue (financial security, meaningfulness of job) which keeps them in conflict.
Their church certainly plays a central role in both the continuation of and the potential solution to their ongoing problems. On the one hand, the church has provided them with support, friendships, and a sense of purpose in life. Their children have benefited greatly from the community and education they have received from this congregation. Yet, the sum total of their time outside of work and family is consumed in church activities. Sam has his music programs, while Caroline teaches Sunday School. She is less committed than Sam to volunteering her time to the Church. She seems resentful that their social life has never moved beyond the church.
Clearly, the church isn’t meeting all of Caroline’s needs; however, since it is such a strong focus in Sam’s life, there are no questions asked on this score (this is one of those “nondiscussable issues” that we described in an earlier chapter). Sam has everything invested in the church. If Caroline wants to remain with Sam then she must continue to be actively involved in the church. This point is not discussable, nor can this couple talk about the fact that they can’t discuss this issue. Thus, a central issue in the child-rearing plate for Caroline and Sam’s relationship is self-sealed and subject to considerable distortion and resentment by both partners. Caroline and Sam are at a crossroad in their relationship. Caroline is threatening to move out. They eventually face either a divorce or or-remarriage that profoundly alters their way of relating to and living with one another. Professional counseling would seem to be warranted at this point, if they are committed to saving and improving their relationship and resolving these tightly interlocked, multi-plate problems.
